Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It's time to Climb.

Where to begin? I have so much to say. I'll start with why I haven't been blogging.

I've been distancing myself.  Thinking, why should I?  Who cares?  I have no best friend, etc, etc. Bunch of whining y'know.  Not emailing my BFF Ren because it hurts to talk to someone when you don't know if you're ever going to see them again no matter how hard you try.  (She lives in South Africa.)  Avoiding my friend Em that I've had since middle school because we got into a fight last semester.  Refusing "to be the better person" or whatever. So so stupid.  It's not about that. I need to be a damn good person! Period.  Not caring about consequences or my ego.  I need to make myself more self-actualized.

And here. Now. Is where I start. I'm always going to have problems not letting my issues come to the surface constantly.  But I need to stop whining.  My misery is self-inflicted.  I'm stopping today.  No more, "Woe is me!  I'm not pretty, smart, kind, honest, giving, spiritual... enough." WE ALL ARE in a constant state of becoming.  We can't just be.  By "being" I've gone backwards.  I'll never be who I was, that I pretend I want to be.  I HAVE grown.  I have done marvelous things that have made me better in many ways.  I need to chose parts of both and constantly become who I want to be.

In this moment I am happy.  Tears threaten to flow from my eyes at this beautiful discovery.  There is nothing wrong with who I am!  I'm beautiful just the way I am.  I mean every word.  I look pretty when I smile and much less pretty when I frown.  There's always going to be something in my way and I'll want to run and hurt myself.  WHY?!?!?!?!  There is nothing wrong with me but how mean I am to myself.  Yes there are things I need to do every day so that I remember who I am and the person I want to become.  Why put it off any longer?

I'm beautiful, I love myself.  It's time to stop crying and kick ass.

Here are my goals for today:
Text Em today and let her know that I miss her.
Email Ren today and let her know that I miss her!
Exercise until it hurts good.
Kiss the Professor (my hubby) like mad and let him know I love/appreciate him.
Call a 12 step or something to help with my over-eating disorder
Schedule times to exercise every day.
Speak and think with love to myself and others.
Talk to RaRa on yahoo and tell her to read this.

Et Cetera

In summation, here is the song that completely overhauled my mood. :-D  Read the lyrics on the page.

P.S. I love you. Unconditionally