Spin

When the prof and I fell head over heels for each other, this was our song...



It fit perfectly at the time.  I even used it as his ringtone.  Now we've been married almost 3 years. :-D  And I think this song suits our journey perfectly. (Both Lifehouse songs...)




I love my absent-minded nerd. And I wouldn't change a thing about anything we've been through.  Cause we made it through together. :-)

Progress Report

Lol @ the title.

I have actually progressed since my last post.  YAY!  It took me a while, but I've gotten better at quite a few things

• I'm exercising 4-6 days a week. P90X, and sometimes exercising twice a day.  I'm even a Team Beachbody Coach.  Look me up under Lyss.

• I'm generally following the P90X diet.  Eating cleaner.  It actually feels me up.  I'm not hungry if I follow it.  In fact occasionally I'm full to the point of explosion.  (P.S. TMI, but P90X's high protein diet makes you poo a lot.)

• I've essentially cut ties with my mother because when I was around her, she was "in my head" even when I wasn't around her.  I talked to my therapist about it, told him how I'm never truly happy with her.  She's always bought and bribed my love.  Been abusive and hypocritical.  So I knew, if I wanted to kick ass and take names, I needed to live without her.

• The "Professor" and I get along great.  Well duh we fight, we have misunderstandings, but we've come leaps and bounds as individuals and as a couple.  I love him, and am more attracted to him every day.  I love him more than anyone (save God) or anything.

• We're getting into a costuming/charity group for the Star Wars "bad guys" called The 501st Legion.  We've made dozens of new friends and epic contacts that are making life enjoyable.  We did a make a wish event that solidified my belief in one day adopting a child.  I want to help a child have a better life.  I can and will love them completely, just like I love my Sunny.

• I have a very positive outlook for the future and I'm taking it a day at a time.  Looking too far ahead just upsets me, so I just work hard every day.

• I'm happy in my role as a stay-at-home mom and a wife.  I promised the prof if he would support us financially, that I would completely support all his dreams.  I WILL get my education when we're more stable and ready, but I can see that Sunny and the prof need me in this capacity, and I want to spend my free time on having a beautiful home and a beautiful body.

• I'm going to church, it makes me happy.  I shared my testimony for the first time in 5-6 years.  I feel a little too analytical about what I said, but I think I got my point across and expressed my love for the beautiful women in my church.  (I secretly hope that one of them or a few of them could mother me a little.  I never had a mother in the true sense of the word.)

I feel pretty dang happy, fulfilled.  I'm finally living my life.  I'm sure you'll see more of these topics at random points.

"I'm away laughing on a fast camel!"

It's time to Climb.

Where to begin? I have so much to say. I'll start with why I haven't been blogging.


I've been distancing myself.  Thinking, why should I?  Who cares?  I have no best friend, etc, etc. Bunch of whining y'know.  Not emailing my BFF Ren because it hurts to talk to someone when you don't know if you're ever going to see them again no matter how hard you try.  (She lives in South Africa.)  Avoiding my friend Em that I've had since middle school because we got into a fight last semester.  Refusing "to be the better person" or whatever. So so stupid.  It's not about that. I need to be a damn good person! Period.  Not caring about consequences or my ego.  I need to make myself more self-actualized.

And here. Now. Is where I start. I'm always going to have problems not letting my issues come to the surface constantly.  But I need to stop whining.  My misery is self-inflicted.  I'm stopping today.  No more, "Woe is me!  I'm not pretty, smart, kind, honest, giving, spiritual... enough." WE ALL ARE in a constant state of becoming.  We can't just be.  By "being" I've gone backwards.  I'll never be who I was, that I pretend I want to be.  I HAVE grown.  I have done marvelous things that have made me better in many ways.  I need to chose parts of both and constantly become who I want to be.

In this moment I am happy.  Tears threaten to flow from my eyes at this beautiful discovery.  There is nothing wrong with who I am!  I'm beautiful just the way I am.  I mean every word.  I look pretty when I smile and much less pretty when I frown.  There's always going to be something in my way and I'll want to run and hurt myself.  WHY?!?!?!?!  There is nothing wrong with me but how mean I am to myself.  Yes there are things I need to do every day so that I remember who I am and the person I want to become.  Why put it off any longer?

I'm beautiful, I love myself.  It's time to stop crying and kick ass.

Here are my goals for today:
Text Em today and let her know that I miss her.
Email Ren today and let her know that I miss her!
Exercise until it hurts good.
Kiss the Professor (my hubby) like mad and let him know I love/appreciate him.
Call a 12 step or something to help with my over-eating disorder
Schedule times to exercise every day.
Speak and think with love to myself and others.
Talk to RaRa on yahoo and tell her to read this.

Et Cetera

In summation, here is the song that completely overhauled my mood. :-D  Read the lyrics on the page.

P.S. I love you. Unconditionally

I wish...

I could go to school at a slower pace.  Just one class at a time maybe so I have my own life, but I like being a mom and a homemaker for now.  Yes, I want my career... but I want to be the mom that makes me happy more. *sigh*  Just gotta find a balance I guess.

I nicked myself shaving...

I nicked myself shaving,
No blood draining,
And never explaining,
Why my heart is refraining.

If only I had a nickel,
For why people are so fickle.

I wait, I wish, I linger,
I watch the nick on my finger.

As I think of moments passed,
As I wonder if this will las't.

The pain, dull and aching,
Yet my soul never forsaking,
That I am his for the taking.


*sigh* Men.

In the Name of Blog

Book
hmm, I think I'll read Twilight again to see if I actually liked it or if it was a phase.

Song
Pants On the Ground

Frequently worn outfit/item

 G's

Perfume
Vanilla Bean Noel by Bath and Body Works

Makeup
None.

 

Food
Chocolate Ice Cream

Drink
Diet Cherry Pepsi

Guilty pleasure

Chocolate, can't get through the day without it.

Bane of my existence
Men... even though I'm married to one.

Joy
Sunny. Coolest kid I could ever have. So snuggley and sweet.  I can't imagine life without her.

Anticipation

Well, anticipated, as in nervous for my 2 tests next week.

Wish list
Lose 20 lbs

Thought
Argh

Reasons why I have to do this. Losing weight that is.

I need to feel better about my body.  I used to be wayyy more confident than I am today.  My self worth is right down the crapper.  I mean, I know I'm a good person, but I want to be sexy.  To myself.  I want to, for lack of a better term, be more turned on when I look in the mirror.  I feel so repulsed.

And I don't care what anyone thinks besides the Prof (my hubby), but, I know that we're meant to try for a baby again sometime in the summer/fall.  I need to be exercising enough that I can continue to do so into my pregnancy and after.

I want Scarlett to feel good about herself and not have an eating disorder.

I want to get rid of my sleep apnea, and get sick less often.

I feel unclean almost, when I'm this size.

I just can't do this anymore.


TO DO List for Tomorrow: Work out at leas 10 minutes, call the oxygen place for my cpap machine, enjoy LDS General Conference, clean my room, and study for my tests next week.


*edit: Not meant to have a baby and happy with that. hehe. more later.*

I should have been asleep 3 hours ago.. ;-D

Good news.

I think... hehe

The Universe (as some may say, God as I call Him, but for the sake of blog) has given me less and less excuses not to exercise.

Our apartment has rescinded the ban on the Pool/Jacuzzi/ Fitness center for our complex. They own two apartment complexes. Complexi? Anywho, even though I have a student ID and could go to the Field House on campus, I don't cause I don't want to go back to my place of torture. ;-)  Well, a block away and one of the easiest walks to, isn't much of an excuse is it? *drags feet*

I have to do it.  I have to. There are a million and one reasons, Scouts Honor, why I can't fail epically at this anymore.  I'll explain everything later I promise.  I promised to a friend that I'd write every day.

We both need to do something.  We can't stand being the same.  Change only happens when life is too painful to stay the same. We are so there.

10 minutes a day will get me started.  I already do 50 min, 2 times a week, but that isn't enough.  At my healthiest, I was working out 15 hours + a week. Can you believe that? Before I had a baby too.

Alright.  Tomorrow I have hip hop, so I'm good.  But Saturday, in between General Conference, I will go to the Fitness Center or do sit-ups or wii fit. Something.

Tomorrow I will give you reasons.

For future reference. :-D (All readers must know this.)

I don't want to say "my husband" every time I talk about him.  It sounds so impersonal.  And I don't want to give out too much info on my now decided, public blog.  So since he is often absent-minded, I'll call him "The Professor"  Or variations therof, prof, professor, t.p., my hubby the prof (m.h.t.p.), etc.

I'm well, just Lyss.

My daughter will be "Sunny" (not even close to her name)  because she bites a lot.  Like the baby/toddler character in A Series of Unfortunate Events.

My dog's name is Moose, just cause well, nothing else fits but his name.

Also, if you have huge problems with anything I say, don't read.  Don't comment either.  I'm moody enough without being effected by some silly comment a stranger made.  If you can't be nice or don't like it... let's just both have respect okay?

Thank you for reading.

Lyss

Just one of those years

I've been so "bi-polar" lately... My theory is I was depressed for such a long time and suicidal all the time, though rarely with a plan to act, that after a lot of therapy I took the opposite track. Anger. I'll explain my mental health history more. Also, the goal of this blog is not to worry people, I mean I don't feel awesome, but I see no real reason not to live. I have been an "Eeore" almost all of my life, that's what my mom called me as a kid. So my "breaking point" or therapy point is higher and lower than average people because it has to be unusual or huge to set me off. So I can be a little depressed every day, especially in winter and just survive it, because I'm used to it.

I've had anti-depressants but they make me irritable or numb, etc. I've found that I do much better without them and I learn to cope instead of just feeling better for a month or two. It just makes the problems rush back to me. Anyway, my husband and I were arguing a lot, I was depressed, so I went to sessions alone and couple sessions. I was really doing well and progressing until about fall midterms because a highly influential person/mentor in my life died saving people in a bus accident. The midterms didn't help either... or the 5 times my daughter and I got sick. I failed my college bio class. I'm going to have to contest the grade, but still. So some stressors have been gone for a while and popped back up so I'm back where I started and added some new ones.

So instead of being all depressed, I'm half depressed and half angry. I keep holding on to anger more than anything and I feel like people constantly see me as been brazen, stubborn, bitchy, etc. I used to be the life of the party. Everybody I met, although shocked by my boldness and eclecticism, loved me or respected me. I got married, had a kid, and suddenly people think I have no life, no positive personality and that just pisses me off more. Damn college town! Everyone married leaves this place or drops out. Well, obviously not everyone, but Logan is highly populated by single people. (As most college towns are, but this is ridiculous.) And they're SO ignorant of other peoples lives. "Oh you JUST have a kid. You're not intelligent or do anything with your life." Yes, I go to school 3/4 time instead of a mere 3-6 credits more.... I'm such a loser... *eye roll* You (the typical Logan single person) just party 3/4 of the week when I'm diapering my child and doing an apartment full of chores. You have 8 roomates to help you and don't play WoW all day like my husband. Yeah I'm a stubborn, brazen, ice bitch. Wouldn't you be too if you were surrounded by people who think they know a damn thing about your life? I'm not perfect, obviously. But I've learned and changed more in the last two years than you have in your whole perfect mormon life. (I'm LDS, but a lot of Utah mormons are ignorant to anything outside of themselves.) My dad has abused my mom for 40 years, longer than I've lived, but I saw this all my life and he still does it. Much more to the story than that, but that's enough for today. I'm overcoming a life-long eating disorder, working on my degree, raising a child, raising a puppy, keeping my home spotless, a happy husband, fullfilling all my church duties, picking up new hobbies that enrich my life, etc. But apparently I don't do anything, according to you, because I'm "just a mom". You just wait, you'll see. And I'll laugh at you just like you snubbed and laughed at me.

I feel less angry now... I need to write more. I'm happy about lots of other things, I'll try to write those tomorrow. But we'll see. I have my 6th week of Weight Watchers to start. Woot! I've lost every week, even through the holidays. I've really come such a long way. I need to be more proud of myself. I'm trying so hard to lose all this baggage that's built up during my short life. There are good things to come and I need to be prepared to enjoy them. There is so much hope. ugh, I need to go to the LDS temple. That'll help a lot, it's closed for another week for maintainance, but I'm getting in those doors as soon as they're open.



Goals for the rest of this week: Call certain people so that my finances improve, print out paperwork, File for Chap 35 VA Benefits, Work out at least once at home (wii fit) or on campus, go on a date with my hubby (we're nicer to each other when we get to just be alone and talk), learn to crochet, organize our apartment to condense the space everything uses up, go to see my therapist to re-learn how to cope with my anger, and others I'm sure I'll come up with.