Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Just one of those years

I've been so "bi-polar" lately... My theory is I was depressed for such a long time and suicidal all the time, though rarely with a plan to act, that after a lot of therapy I took the opposite track. Anger. I'll explain my mental health history more. Also, the goal of this blog is not to worry people, I mean I don't feel awesome, but I see no real reason not to live. I have been an "Eeore" almost all of my life, that's what my mom called me as a kid. So my "breaking point" or therapy point is higher and lower than average people because it has to be unusual or huge to set me off. So I can be a little depressed every day, especially in winter and just survive it, because I'm used to it.

I've had anti-depressants but they make me irritable or numb, etc. I've found that I do much better without them and I learn to cope instead of just feeling better for a month or two. It just makes the problems rush back to me. Anyway, my husband and I were arguing a lot, I was depressed, so I went to sessions alone and couple sessions. I was really doing well and progressing until about fall midterms because a highly influential person/mentor in my life died saving people in a bus accident. The midterms didn't help either... or the 5 times my daughter and I got sick. I failed my college bio class. I'm going to have to contest the grade, but still. So some stressors have been gone for a while and popped back up so I'm back where I started and added some new ones.

So instead of being all depressed, I'm half depressed and half angry. I keep holding on to anger more than anything and I feel like people constantly see me as been brazen, stubborn, bitchy, etc. I used to be the life of the party. Everybody I met, although shocked by my boldness and eclecticism, loved me or respected me. I got married, had a kid, and suddenly people think I have no life, no positive personality and that just pisses me off more. Damn college town! Everyone married leaves this place or drops out. Well, obviously not everyone, but Logan is highly populated by single people. (As most college towns are, but this is ridiculous.) And they're SO ignorant of other peoples lives. "Oh you JUST have a kid. You're not intelligent or do anything with your life." Yes, I go to school 3/4 time instead of a mere 3-6 credits more.... I'm such a loser... *eye roll* You (the typical Logan single person) just party 3/4 of the week when I'm diapering my child and doing an apartment full of chores. You have 8 roomates to help you and don't play WoW all day like my husband. Yeah I'm a stubborn, brazen, ice bitch. Wouldn't you be too if you were surrounded by people who think they know a damn thing about your life? I'm not perfect, obviously. But I've learned and changed more in the last two years than you have in your whole perfect mormon life. (I'm LDS, but a lot of Utah mormons are ignorant to anything outside of themselves.) My dad has abused my mom for 40 years, longer than I've lived, but I saw this all my life and he still does it. Much more to the story than that, but that's enough for today. I'm overcoming a life-long eating disorder, working on my degree, raising a child, raising a puppy, keeping my home spotless, a happy husband, fullfilling all my church duties, picking up new hobbies that enrich my life, etc. But apparently I don't do anything, according to you, because I'm "just a mom". You just wait, you'll see. And I'll laugh at you just like you snubbed and laughed at me.

I feel less angry now... I need to write more. I'm happy about lots of other things, I'll try to write those tomorrow. But we'll see. I have my 6th week of Weight Watchers to start. Woot! I've lost every week, even through the holidays. I've really come such a long way. I need to be more proud of myself. I'm trying so hard to lose all this baggage that's built up during my short life. There are good things to come and I need to be prepared to enjoy them. There is so much hope. ugh, I need to go to the LDS temple. That'll help a lot, it's closed for another week for maintainance, but I'm getting in those doors as soon as they're open.

Goals for the rest of this week: Call certain people so that my finances improve, print out paperwork, File for Chap 35 VA Benefits, Work out at least once at home (wii fit) or on campus, go on a date with my hubby (we're nicer to each other when we get to just be alone and talk), learn to crochet, organize our apartment to condense the space everything uses up, go to see my therapist to re-learn how to cope with my anger, and others I'm sure I'll come up with.

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