It's time to Climb.

Where to begin? I have so much to say. I'll start with why I haven't been blogging.


I've been distancing myself.  Thinking, why should I?  Who cares?  I have no best friend, etc, etc. Bunch of whining y'know.  Not emailing my BFF Ren because it hurts to talk to someone when you don't know if you're ever going to see them again no matter how hard you try.  (She lives in South Africa.)  Avoiding my friend Em that I've had since middle school because we got into a fight last semester.  Refusing "to be the better person" or whatever. So so stupid.  It's not about that. I need to be a damn good person! Period.  Not caring about consequences or my ego.  I need to make myself more self-actualized.

And here. Now. Is where I start. I'm always going to have problems not letting my issues come to the surface constantly.  But I need to stop whining.  My misery is self-inflicted.  I'm stopping today.  No more, "Woe is me!  I'm not pretty, smart, kind, honest, giving, spiritual... enough." WE ALL ARE in a constant state of becoming.  We can't just be.  By "being" I've gone backwards.  I'll never be who I was, that I pretend I want to be.  I HAVE grown.  I have done marvelous things that have made me better in many ways.  I need to chose parts of both and constantly become who I want to be.

In this moment I am happy.  Tears threaten to flow from my eyes at this beautiful discovery.  There is nothing wrong with who I am!  I'm beautiful just the way I am.  I mean every word.  I look pretty when I smile and much less pretty when I frown.  There's always going to be something in my way and I'll want to run and hurt myself.  WHY?!?!?!?!  There is nothing wrong with me but how mean I am to myself.  Yes there are things I need to do every day so that I remember who I am and the person I want to become.  Why put it off any longer?

I'm beautiful, I love myself.  It's time to stop crying and kick ass.

Here are my goals for today:
Text Em today and let her know that I miss her.
Email Ren today and let her know that I miss her!
Exercise until it hurts good.
Kiss the Professor (my hubby) like mad and let him know I love/appreciate him.
Call a 12 step or something to help with my over-eating disorder
Schedule times to exercise every day.
Speak and think with love to myself and others.
Talk to RaRa on yahoo and tell her to read this.

Et Cetera

In summation, here is the song that completely overhauled my mood. :-D  Read the lyrics on the page.

P.S. I love you. Unconditionally

I wish...

I could go to school at a slower pace.  Just one class at a time maybe so I have my own life, but I like being a mom and a homemaker for now.  Yes, I want my career... but I want to be the mom that makes me happy more. *sigh*  Just gotta find a balance I guess.

I nicked myself shaving...

I nicked myself shaving,
No blood draining,
And never explaining,
Why my heart is refraining.

If only I had a nickel,
For why people are so fickle.

I wait, I wish, I linger,
I watch the nick on my finger.

As I think of moments passed,
As I wonder if this will las't.

The pain, dull and aching,
Yet my soul never forsaking,
That I am his for the taking.


*sigh* Men.

In the Name of Blog

Book
hmm, I think I'll read Twilight again to see if I actually liked it or if it was a phase.

Song
Pants On the Ground

Frequently worn outfit/item

 G's

Perfume
Vanilla Bean Noel by Bath and Body Works

Makeup
None.

 

Food
Chocolate Ice Cream

Drink
Diet Cherry Pepsi

Guilty pleasure

Chocolate, can't get through the day without it.

Bane of my existence
Men... even though I'm married to one.

Joy
Sunny. Coolest kid I could ever have. So snuggley and sweet.  I can't imagine life without her.

Anticipation

Well, anticipated, as in nervous for my 2 tests next week.

Wish list
Lose 20 lbs

Thought
Argh

Reasons why I have to do this. Losing weight that is.

I need to feel better about my body.  I used to be wayyy more confident than I am today.  My self worth is right down the crapper.  I mean, I know I'm a good person, but I want to be sexy.  To myself.  I want to, for lack of a better term, be more turned on when I look in the mirror.  I feel so repulsed.

And I don't care what anyone thinks besides the Prof (my hubby), but, I know that we're meant to try for a baby again sometime in the summer/fall.  I need to be exercising enough that I can continue to do so into my pregnancy and after.

I want Scarlett to feel good about herself and not have an eating disorder.

I want to get rid of my sleep apnea, and get sick less often.

I feel unclean almost, when I'm this size.

I just can't do this anymore.


TO DO List for Tomorrow: Work out at leas 10 minutes, call the oxygen place for my cpap machine, enjoy LDS General Conference, clean my room, and study for my tests next week.


*edit: Not meant to have a baby and happy with that. hehe. more later.*

I should have been asleep 3 hours ago.. ;-D

Good news.

I think... hehe

The Universe (as some may say, God as I call Him, but for the sake of blog) has given me less and less excuses not to exercise.

Our apartment has rescinded the ban on the Pool/Jacuzzi/ Fitness center for our complex. They own two apartment complexes. Complexi? Anywho, even though I have a student ID and could go to the Field House on campus, I don't cause I don't want to go back to my place of torture. ;-)  Well, a block away and one of the easiest walks to, isn't much of an excuse is it? *drags feet*

I have to do it.  I have to. There are a million and one reasons, Scouts Honor, why I can't fail epically at this anymore.  I'll explain everything later I promise.  I promised to a friend that I'd write every day.

We both need to do something.  We can't stand being the same.  Change only happens when life is too painful to stay the same. We are so there.

10 minutes a day will get me started.  I already do 50 min, 2 times a week, but that isn't enough.  At my healthiest, I was working out 15 hours + a week. Can you believe that? Before I had a baby too.

Alright.  Tomorrow I have hip hop, so I'm good.  But Saturday, in between General Conference, I will go to the Fitness Center or do sit-ups or wii fit. Something.

Tomorrow I will give you reasons.

For future reference. :-D (All readers must know this.)

I don't want to say "my husband" every time I talk about him.  It sounds so impersonal.  And I don't want to give out too much info on my now decided, public blog.  So since he is often absent-minded, I'll call him "The Professor"  Or variations therof, prof, professor, t.p., my hubby the prof (m.h.t.p.), etc.

I'm well, just Lyss.

My daughter will be "Sunny" (not even close to her name)  because she bites a lot.  Like the baby/toddler character in A Series of Unfortunate Events.

My dog's name is Moose, just cause well, nothing else fits but his name.

Also, if you have huge problems with anything I say, don't read.  Don't comment either.  I'm moody enough without being effected by some silly comment a stranger made.  If you can't be nice or don't like it... let's just both have respect okay?

Thank you for reading.

Lyss

Just one of those years

I've been so "bi-polar" lately... My theory is I was depressed for such a long time and suicidal all the time, though rarely with a plan to act, that after a lot of therapy I took the opposite track. Anger. I'll explain my mental health history more. Also, the goal of this blog is not to worry people, I mean I don't feel awesome, but I see no real reason not to live. I have been an "Eeore" almost all of my life, that's what my mom called me as a kid. So my "breaking point" or therapy point is higher and lower than average people because it has to be unusual or huge to set me off. So I can be a little depressed every day, especially in winter and just survive it, because I'm used to it.

I've had anti-depressants but they make me irritable or numb, etc. I've found that I do much better without them and I learn to cope instead of just feeling better for a month or two. It just makes the problems rush back to me. Anyway, my husband and I were arguing a lot, I was depressed, so I went to sessions alone and couple sessions. I was really doing well and progressing until about fall midterms because a highly influential person/mentor in my life died saving people in a bus accident. The midterms didn't help either... or the 5 times my daughter and I got sick. I failed my college bio class. I'm going to have to contest the grade, but still. So some stressors have been gone for a while and popped back up so I'm back where I started and added some new ones.

So instead of being all depressed, I'm half depressed and half angry. I keep holding on to anger more than anything and I feel like people constantly see me as been brazen, stubborn, bitchy, etc. I used to be the life of the party. Everybody I met, although shocked by my boldness and eclecticism, loved me or respected me. I got married, had a kid, and suddenly people think I have no life, no positive personality and that just pisses me off more. Damn college town! Everyone married leaves this place or drops out. Well, obviously not everyone, but Logan is highly populated by single people. (As most college towns are, but this is ridiculous.) And they're SO ignorant of other peoples lives. "Oh you JUST have a kid. You're not intelligent or do anything with your life." Yes, I go to school 3/4 time instead of a mere 3-6 credits more.... I'm such a loser... *eye roll* You (the typical Logan single person) just party 3/4 of the week when I'm diapering my child and doing an apartment full of chores. You have 8 roomates to help you and don't play WoW all day like my husband. Yeah I'm a stubborn, brazen, ice bitch. Wouldn't you be too if you were surrounded by people who think they know a damn thing about your life? I'm not perfect, obviously. But I've learned and changed more in the last two years than you have in your whole perfect mormon life. (I'm LDS, but a lot of Utah mormons are ignorant to anything outside of themselves.) My dad has abused my mom for 40 years, longer than I've lived, but I saw this all my life and he still does it. Much more to the story than that, but that's enough for today. I'm overcoming a life-long eating disorder, working on my degree, raising a child, raising a puppy, keeping my home spotless, a happy husband, fullfilling all my church duties, picking up new hobbies that enrich my life, etc. But apparently I don't do anything, according to you, because I'm "just a mom". You just wait, you'll see. And I'll laugh at you just like you snubbed and laughed at me.

I feel less angry now... I need to write more. I'm happy about lots of other things, I'll try to write those tomorrow. But we'll see. I have my 6th week of Weight Watchers to start. Woot! I've lost every week, even through the holidays. I've really come such a long way. I need to be more proud of myself. I'm trying so hard to lose all this baggage that's built up during my short life. There are good things to come and I need to be prepared to enjoy them. There is so much hope. ugh, I need to go to the LDS temple. That'll help a lot, it's closed for another week for maintainance, but I'm getting in those doors as soon as they're open.



Goals for the rest of this week: Call certain people so that my finances improve, print out paperwork, File for Chap 35 VA Benefits, Work out at least once at home (wii fit) or on campus, go on a date with my hubby (we're nicer to each other when we get to just be alone and talk), learn to crochet, organize our apartment to condense the space everything uses up, go to see my therapist to re-learn how to cope with my anger, and others I'm sure I'll come up with.

It's almost been a year, but here I go again...

Currently

(Copied this from my friend Mer, always wanted to try it.)


Book
None really. I wish I were reading The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, but I'm not. I also want to re-read all the Harry Potter books. And if Amazon would ship my frickin' Psychology books, I'd be reading those.

Song
Walk Like A Man by Franki Valli and The Four Seasons

Frequently worn outfit/item
Vans checkered shoes
Garments

A bra
socks
sweat pants and a t-shirt (to be lazy or on days I have hip hop class)

Perfume
Vanilla Bean Noel by Bath and Body Works

Makeup
None. I really don't wear it ever since I got prego with "Sunny". I figure, why beat a dead horse? I only wear some to military balls.

Food
Diet food.... I mostly eat TV dinners to conserve calories.

Drink
Diet Pepsi or Diet A&W

Guilty pleasure

Chocolate, can't get through the day without it.

Bane of my existence
Adam B.... Profs best friend in Logan and most days I want to kill him. He does really nice things once in a while, but I immensely dislike him. Love his girlfriend though... and I pretty much take his annoying-ness up the butt (pardon the expression) to keep Scott happy because he really stinks at pursuing any form of relationship.

Joy
Sunny. How much she learns every day amazes me, Also God. I feel like I'm barely making it through the last couple years and it's all been because of God and Sunny.
 
Anticipation

Taxes I guess. I'm saving 75% of the money for the last year Scott is in school so if I need to stay at home I can. Also anticipated for when Scott graduates. I HATE Logan.

Wish list
Sewing Machine
Lose 100+ lbs
New Clothes
Several Vacations
Complete independence
Books

Bachelors Degree
Money

Thought
Can't I be happy for more than a day or two at a time? Stupid winter.... stupid husband not defending me, agreeing with me about anything that involves any thought, stupid stupid people in Logan that I have to deal with. Mer.... if you read this.... "Cabana boys."

Slipping Through My Fingers.

I love my little girl so very much. Whenever I see a loving mother-daughter relationship in a movie or anything of the like I bawl my guts out. I just don't know what I'll do without her when she grows up. I cherish almost every moment we're together. I'd almost be content if she were my only child ever. (Okay so maybe I want a son... but still.) She has the sweetest personality I've ever encountered. That doesn't mean she isn't a sassy little diva, but she sure can love.

So when I saw Mama Mia (again. I saw it in an actual theatre years ago) the movie, there is this awesome Abba song that sums up the love a mother has for her sweet baby and how life brings fun adventures with some disappointment. Here are the Lyrics:

Slipping Through My Fingers Lyrics
Artist(Band):Abba

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(Slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn't
And why I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

Song is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se_LRtq36YA



I want to look at my little girl with as much love and wonder as I had from the beginning, even at the breakfast table when I'm cranky and sleepy. :-)